Back in France, before the big departure, I faced a wide range of reactions from friends and family including: joy, support, envy, sadness, sometimes even anger. For me, I was so much into making it all happen that it was like living on adrenaline, no question allowed.
Now that I have the luxury to observe my feelings, there is a lot more to say! Of course, most of all, I am super happy the dream is now my reality. But then, all sorts of other feelings darken the picture preventing me from living in the present, conscious and connected.
A part of me feels guilty for being away from my family and friends, for not being working on building a career, making and saving money, for not wanting to settle down and be a mum (yet). A part of me feels insecure and would much rather know, control everything and already have a clear life plan or at least a detailed planned for the entire trip. A part of me wonders what the meaning of all is and is full of existential questions. A part of me is mad at myself for feeling so small and lost in today’s society.
When, on my second day in India, I shared my thoughts with our spiritual master, in the ashram we were staying, he replied with a smile:
“It is not so bad. First you need to know yourself. Then you need to do things that make you happy. It is only when people will see things that inspire them in you that they will start asking questions and change too.”
So this is me, right now, at the beginning of this trip: on a quest to better know myself and a “hunt” to find inner happiness.